‘Da Junctions Conspiracy A Go Go, Hall of Shame

Posted on December 7, 2012 by ZoeDKatzePhD

It’s holiday season here at ‘da junction, which in and of itself doesn’t mean a fucking thing,

however, there is one exception, the selections to our 2012 annual Hall of Shame, a/k/a 

Debunktion Junction's 50 Most Loathsome Americans

DJ‘s 50 Most Loathsome Americans

And they are:

50) James Hyman. 


Crimes: The shamanic shyster is so lazy, he leaves it to his ex-wife and self anointed

James Hyman: The Shamanic Shyster's Tit's

James Hyman: The Shamanic Shyster’s Tit’s

“practice manager” Barbara, to post a year-ender on their ever credulous web site in February of the following year and thinks that’s acceptable, only this “press release,” is as blatant an act of narcissistic self-promotional mind mush as is her normal practice, and therefore is in other words, worthless.

Hyman almost got canned from a well-read blog because of that bullshit.

Fact: Hyman is fat and has begun growing tits.

Smoking Gun: “I run my bullshit business to spend less time with my family.”

Sentence: Haunted by his many failures and lack of successes.

49) Dan Weinstein
Crimes: To hype his “vintage guitar business,” the frog-voiced and squirly, preaching

Dan Weinstein: A Million Years and 10 Million Dollars Ago

Dan Weinstein: A Million Years and 10 Million Dollars Ago

mummy rented over , 12 1.2 billboards, all of which everyone within a hares ass of South Florida totally missed. It wouldn’t matter if this guy was just masturbating under his “I’m better than you and your a punk banner,” like a respectable loser, but every time he “predicts” he’ll be the next billionaire many of his 200,000 2 benighted friends max-out their credit cards for his $72 million PowerBallPlay or PowerRePlay or whatever he’s pitching relating to a subject he knows little to nothing about but demands to continue espousing bullshit over, offshore powerboat racing, as if anybody gave a flying fuck.

Fact: Weinstein is full of himself and amazingly, gets fuller as each day passes.

Smoking Gun: In this Nov 18th Debunk Junk  interview with Weinstein you can hear a vacuum — because nothing says you sincerely believe the biggest thing since Facebook is your current idea, and not an obvious scam to bilk your followers, like keeping up on housework.

Sentence: Deathbed conversion to Scientology, posthumously baptized by Mormons, savings bequeathed to a charity chosen by Ricky Gervais.

48) Tim Tebow

Crimes: Throwing motion gives false hope of NFL stardom to children with MS. Inspired the most nauseating trend of the year in “Tebowing.” Showered by idiots with feckless praise of leadership and morality because his game simply doesn’t warrant the same. As a spokesperson for the hate group Focus on the Family, abstinence advocate, and known teammate kisser, Tebow’s likely just another self-loathing homosexual. And he’s sanctimonious as hell for a guy who works exclusively on the Sabbath.
Smoking Gun: “First and foremost I’d have to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
Sentence: Raped by a Ben Roethlisberger, forced to abort the baby.

47) Ilan Eiliyahu 

Ilan Eliyahu Gets Fucked BY An Old Man

Ilan Eliyahu Gets Fucked BY An Old Man

Crimes: #heblowsalot, he’s a dick, and the petulant Eliyahu enjoys getting fucked in the ass by this old man, ’nuff said?

Smoking Gun: He never has been, and never will be, anybody.
Sentence: He never has been, and never will be, anybody.

 

 

46) Bobby Balogh, Woody Kahn and Yale Mortgage

Crimes: Not “totally bitchin’ rock stars from Mars”; more of deluded mediocrities

Back Stabin' Bobby Balogh

Back Stabin’ Bobby Balogh

wildly overpaid to play a slightly more sober version of themselves at Yale Mortgage, the “duh, winners,” described here.

Oh, and sorry, Woody, but it takes more than a few eight balls and trying to live in the shadow of your predecesor to be Sam Kinison.

While gleefully fulfilling every American’s schadenfreude quota, your “winning” streak & short-lived “mortgage” tour ultimately had the devastating effect of subjecting us to yet more Bobby Balogh, thanks for fanning the flames, asshole..

Fact: Balogh’s rich, the old fashioned way, he inherited

Smoking Gun: “We’re an F-18, bro.”

Sentence: Shot down by Chinese drones.

45) Kim Kardashian

Crimes: Rich and famous solely for being rich and famous. So outraged over the Casey Anthony verdict that she forgot her dead dad helped O.J. Simpson get away with murder. Made $17 million from a scripted wedding to NBA Cro-magnon Kris Humphries that lasted just long enough to count the money. Refuses to contract syphilis, despite having ample opportunity.
Smoking Gun: “I’m being honest here and I hope you respect my courage because this isn’t easy to go through.”
Sentence: Middle segment of Kardashian Centipede.

44) Rich Mitchell

Crimes:  A true propagandist for the ultra-wealthy conservatives, this man’s mouth

Rich Mitchell: The Conservative Daily News

Rich Mitchell: The Conservative Daily News

shares both proximity and substantive resemblance to the Koch brothers’ assholes. After lucking into Weinergate and bizarrely writing about the congressman’s press conference, “Rich,” spent the remainder of the year engaging in drunken spats with our own Zoe Katz on Twitter, ineptly smearing the 99% movement, and sweating profusely like a disheveled pig on amphetamines.

Smoking Gun: In a totally proportional response to being called a closet-case, he challenged a conservative Boston crowd to murder his detractors: “We outnumber [liberals] and we have the guns!”

Sentence: Treated for narcissistic personality disorder by Dr. Conrad Murray.

43) Summerhouse Detox

Crimes: Oft scolded by others in the recovery community for being a D.U.M.P (Despicable Unscrupulous Moneygrubbing Pimps), the “owners” Rootie toot tootie, Ronnie go Johnny, and Danny “look at me I’m a bitchin’ rock star” Crook Cook sought to remedy it with their aptly titled “Lie Of The Year,” which was that “they can now detox you comfortably in a luxury Miami ‘waterfront’ home, while you are being the recipient of a 5 star meal cooked by a gourmet chef.”

In the same way that calling a hamburger a cow is accurate, claiming that, is an objectively far bigger lie then is any claim Paul Ryan has made during his position as 2011′s aptly titled “Lier Of The Year” with his “plan” that will “save Medicare.”.

Summerhouses‘ curious choice for Lie of the Year was based on utter stupidity and greed, period, nuff said!

So plagued by phony “profits greed and money,” Summerhouse and it’s owners are not happy with their tens of millions of dollars so they continue to espouse their phony 12 step woo, Narcanon malarkey and frankly, any other woo or bullshit they think will seperate they needy and naive from money, nice huh?

Not

Smoking Gun: In response to the inevitable outcry, Summerhouse and it’s owners defend their “compassionate bullshit” by quoting two anecdotal straw men and hiring an attorney, it’s not gonna help, cat’s outta the bag.

Sentence: Next time they order a hamburgers, a ketchup-coated cow comes charging out of their 5 star kitchen run by a gourmet chef  and tramples them.

42) Barbara Hyman

Crimes: Looking too much like she’s about to unhinge her jaw and toss back a few still

Barbara Hyman smokes weed

Barbara Hyman smoking weed, zzzzzzzzzzz, what’s new?

squealing rats while she tries to lend plausibility to her lunatic alt med ravings besides those she acts as the self anointed “practice manager” for, ex-husband, pseudoscientist, shamanic shyster and new age narcissistic neophyte, James’ ravings. Whether terrifying Americans with the spam on the net, or demonizing alt med protesters, Hyman’s venom is designated solely for those outside of her income bracket or the lowness of her intellectual level. Decries “big pharma, and other alt med woo bullshit” yet thinks when others decry her own woo IS bullshit, she’s the first to cry, “foul,” — because it’s clearly affecting her fragile self worth, and personality. Her entire “career” is based on exploiting the same myopic selfish alt med bullshit ex-husband James did in the 80′s before there was an internet and FACTS we’re not so easily come buy or buy her main demographic, old white idiots who want to have sex with don’t want to have sex with her.

Smoking Gun:  By the time she’s done with one of her brainstorms, the “shamanic colonic” (the old alt med detox woo scam I call, the “shamanic colonic.” not the name, that was my own anyway, after one, she has essentially peppered sprayed her food products.

Sentence: All meals prepared by for the rest of her life by ex-husband and shamanic shyster, James, she thinks he’s so shamanic, let HER hang with him.

41) Ed Schultz

Crimes: Called Fox News contributor Laura Ingraham a “right wing slut,” when everyone knows she’s a right-wing cunt. Considering his own past as North Dakota radio’s homeless-bashing Rush Limbaugh doppelgänger, Big Ed’s vein-bulging zeal for Team Democrat seems more an opportunistic sport than an ideological mission. When he couldn’t outdo his sacrosanct right-wing radio competition he abruptly became a Democrat, then rode the anti-Bush wagon to prominence. It wasn’t the first time Schultz switched sides out of expedience. Early in his sports broadcasting career, he reportedly “switched his allegiance from North Dakota State University to rival University of North Dakota after changing stations.” Sets up the most bias-confirming poll in cable news by shouting, “Git yer cell phones out!”

Smoking Gun: “Mr. President, I got a great idea as to where you can send those troops that you just brought home from Iraq. How about Chicago, Illinois and a bunch of other big cities in this country? It’s time we look out for our own backyard, security is an issue.”

Sentence: Routinely mistaken for Limbaugh at Wendy’s drive-through.

More before the holidays

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Danny “Dan” Weinstein

Posted on November 18, 2012 by ZoeDKatzePhD

Daniel “Danny or Dan” Weinstein (born 2 July, 1956) is a former offshore powerboat

Dan, in a sport coat, meaning he's likely on his way to court

Dan, in a sport coat, meaning he’s likely on his way to court

“racer,” manufacturier, despite having no formal education in or being particularly good at either, nor as it turns out, anything else.

“Danny” is also a half assed guitarist, a partner @ Dixie Guitar Traders, and a dick.

Of all those titles, as anyone who knows him will tell you, the only one he excels at is of course, being a dick      

Personal life

As anyone who’s seen his one-man show The 700 Hour With Danny Club  – or has merely heard him speak for five minutes knows, he loves one subject, “Danny.”

He grew up in Pompton Lakes New Jersey in a small Jewish family, obsessed with himself, money, himself, money, himself, money, himself, and money.

He later moved to Plantation, Inverrary, and finally Fort Lauderdale Florida at the age of 21 where his storied career as a dick began, and is, today, a dick at age 57.

Weinstein works in the field of “Sales,” specifically of “vintage” guitars which is another word for “old.” Currently, he co-owns the Fort Lauderdale Florida dump known “store” known as Dixie Guitar Traders, a store built around the assumption that you can make a boring old guitar interesting merely by acting like a complete ass buying low, selling high.”

Screwing people as a…

…Salesman

After he quit college, Danny, as he was known then, learned the hard lesson that just because you’re a big swinging dick at Plantation High School and University of South Florida—it doesn’t mean the rest of the world’s automatically going to give you a nobber.

Following the trajectory of many dicks who fail to do much of anything once outside the cozy confines of higher education, Weinstein began his carrer in “sales.”

Among the highlights of Weinstein’s’s “career”: getting dissed here at ‘da junction for being the co-founder of nothing, absolutely nothing.

…Investor

Perhaps because he was out of options, perhaps because of the seminal Michael J. Fox film “The Secret of My Succe$s” (the secret, of course, being to spell with dollar signs instead of a regular “s”), Weinstein continued his “sales” work where at some point we met, and he became one of my oldest and dearest friends.

In legal circles, for me, this is referred to as “dick by association.”

1980′s through 1990′s

In the late 1980′s, Weinstein founded “Powerplay Racing,” a title indicatieve of nothing but the fact we we’re high and up all nigh playing pokert that it is a protmanteau of the words “power” and “play” two of the childish like Weinsteins many “likes.”

Through this “business,” Weinstein spent over 12 years manufacturing and commentating on boat hulls, molds, designs and schematics he never once, even for a moment, had anything to do with, other than being his “Vanity Fair.”

Even the news of the sad collapse of one of these “hulls” as it scrolled along the bottom of the ocean did not deter him.

Recently, he has begun working on the creatively-named spin-off PowerPlay-Off, aimed at middle America, so that it’s not just rich people being taken in by his glorified Ponzi schemes anymore.

Guitar “Playing”

Weinsteins playing of the guitar is easily the most annoying of any I’ve heard to hit U.S. “airwaves” since they canceled “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse,” replete with single note runs, heretofore unknown chords, and a panel of oversized and overused “effects.”

Weinstein is also a sucker for cheesy gags, even going as far as once having a live Boa Constrictor named “Ka-ching” fill in for him on guitar, although frankly, it was an improvement.

Nothing says responsible musicianship like a live Boa Constrictor.

Dan (as he’s now known, something to do with “credit reports”) was once also known for employing a panoply of Weinstein-esque characters, such as “Eddie, Are you ready, Mendes, and Skip, check your wallet, whatever thefuckhislsastnamewas, and, most recently,  Steve “I wish I’d done a better job.” last name masked, the managing partner at Powerplay, BEFORE the bankruptcy.

Every year since 2000, Weinsteiun has “operated” Dixie Guitar, most likely just to pick up chicks.

Most likely, this still does not work.

Of course

Weinstein is notoriously thin-skinned, so it would be good if this article were somehow brought to his attention.

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Robert “Bobby” Balogh, Woody Kahn, and “Yale Mortgage”

Posted on November 14, 2012 by ZoeDKatzePhD

Robert “Bobby” Balogh is a dick financier, dick philanthropist

Backstabin' Bobby Balogh

Back stabbingBobby Balogh

dick C.E.O. of Yale Mortgage Corporation, who dicks owners out of their homes via “foreclosure,” as, and for, his “career.”

Yep, Bobby is your basic, general, all around, dick

Balogh’s greatest achievement in dickdom thus far is amassing a net worth of over 350 million dollars, while running his “family trust” and predatory mortgage lending business.

Here’s an ironic thought, what if we put Balogh in charge of reforming the very system that made him so cartoonishly wealthy in the first place?

It would be much like if Larry Flynt were charged with reforming the pornography industry, oh well, thankfully, we’re back to reality.

Early Years

Young Bobby’s father was a wholesale jeweler, which helped mold him into a future dick by teaching him that even something as simple as shiny rocks can trick people into handing over huge sums of money.

Balogh also attained the rank of Eagle Scout in the Boy Scouts, shaping him dickwise by instilling an insatiable hunger for merit badges.

It also means he was likely molested in a pup tent and told that it was “our secret.”

While attending Yale Law school, Balogh decided to become the kind of dick that runs an obnoxious business named after the school they’re in, thus, he founded Yale Mortgage.

While this business was less dickish than, say, stealing an idea for a future billion dollar corporation and claiming the idea was your own, it is still more obnoxious than pretty much anything else.

While Yale has a storied history of launching the careers of irritating attorney’s, Balogh is surely in the upper echelon.

It is important to note that, in regards to lawyerin,’ Balogh does not have any actual attorney “experience, “and has been able to designate himself an expert simply by saying so, loudly, many times, without anyone questioning it.

This is standard dick behavior.

Balogh is the founder, chairman, CEO, and owner of Yale Mortgage Corporation, which consists of Balogh making lending “decisions,” primarily high-interest rate mortgages to the “sub-prime” sector – people who typically have “No Income, No Assets” other than their home, and Bobby wants that, as they clearly had no chance of making repayments should they fall on hard times or if interest rates increased, as it does, with Yale’s specialty, the adjustable rate mortgage loan.

This is of course EXACTLY what Balogh was “banking” on, default, as his primary interest is owning property, lots and lots of property, and he really couldn’t give a flying fuck how he gets them, as long as he does.

Here’s how it “worked,” sort of, over-confident of real estate market conditions brought on by his own greed and the convincing from then junior partner Gilbert “Woody” Kahn, Yale securitized much of this debt, and then repackaged groups of sub-prime accounts and sold them again, and again, and again, keeping the “no brainers” for Yale’s own portfolio of predatory loans, which they hoped, would eventually turn into further ownership of those pesky “properties.”

The end result was that everyone was making money from Yale’s sub-prime mortgages, but nobody knew how much, and they certainly didn’t know the true risk of their portfolios.

Oooooppppss…..

Each loan became its own chain of idiocy and moral hazard.

Home buyers could get pretty much any mortgage they applied for from Yale, so long as Balogh’s two rules we’re followed,

1. Never loan over 65% of tax assessed value, thereby guaranteeing yourself a strong equity position in case of the dreaded, previously mentioned “foreclosure.”

2. Always charge the highest rate the market will bear, thereby further guaranteeing said “foreclosure’s”

Most applicants lied about their incomes.

Loan officers often lied for them aided them by rewriting the application forms.

Most were just sharks who hit borrower’s with tons of econo-babble finance speak to make them believe the mortgage was a good idea.

Then, “Woody” promised “Bobby” he would pawn the shitty loans off to Wall Street, always remembering the Balogh rule, keep the “no-brainers” for Bobby, and his never ending thirst for more “property.”

Next, they were repackaged into exotic securities, often multiple times, and slapped with AAA ratings.

Wall Street managed to dump a lot of these horseshit securities into foreign markets, where investors had no idea what the fuck were in these things (even Alan Greenspan admitted he couldn’t figure them out).

Eventually, the inevitable crunch happened, and many people started to default on their mortgages.

This lead to a rapid wave of panic wave of excitement over at Yale, as Bobby finally quenched his never ending thirst for, yes, more “property.”

Balogh and wife Cara, currently reside in this 10,000 square foot, waterfront home, valued at over 7.5 million dollars, in the exclusive CocoPlum section of Miami.

Woody?

Woody and “Phil,” his “partner,” moved out of Balogh’s luxury office building, a $7,000.000.00, 27,000 square foot building located at 777 Arthur Godfrey Road, off to just another of “Bobby’s” never ending “properties,” this 4.5 million dollar office building, located at 141 NE 3 rd Avenue, Miami.

While the world was getting through the economic crisis of 2007, and the panic that swept investment banks as they tried to unpick the complicated “structured investment vehicles” that contained the mortgage accounts to understand just how much money they were losing, “Bobby” was getting, too big to fail.

The end result was that everyone at Yale was making money from Yale’s sub-prime mortgages, but nobody knew how much, and they certainly didn’t know the true risk of their portfolios.

There was a confluence of deregulation and a whole host of other factors, making this a perfect storm of greed and stupidity.

Yale was just another in the shadow banking system, made up of other investment firms, that held a big a share of the market, and that were largely unregulated to begin with.

When Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac saw their market share being sucked up by Wall Street firms, they loosened lending policies and used the trillions they got from the government to jump into the subprime clusterfuck, knowing they would be nationalized if something went wrong.

Shrubya also gutted the SEC while all this happened, appointing weak-kneed regulators or ones who would intentionally turn a blind eye to all this.

The SEC was so ineffective that even Bernie Madoff remarked he was “astonished” that he didn’t get caught and noted, “They never even looked at my stock records…it’s the first thing you do.“

And Bobby Balogh?

Take a look:

Robert “Bobby” Balogh FL Corporation Wiki 

Robert “B” Balogh FL Corporate Wiki

Thats a lot of “Corp’s” and lots of money.

And Woody?

Well, apparently HIS specialty is distressed assets, primarily real estate, along with some really bad public record entries regarding those pesky properties and foreclosure’s, along with, without a doubt, some of the worst Yelp and other reviews we’ve ever seen.

Here, take a look: Yale Mortgage Rip Off Reviews, Google Search

Update

Just when you think it couldn’t get worse, we found THIS National Public Radio story about the vaunted “Yale Mortgage Corp”

Look, there’s Woody now, celebrating all the homeowners losses:

"Woody Kahn" a/k/a Dick, Paris, circa 2012, celebrating all those homes and all that money!!

Gilbert “Woody” Dick Kahn Paris, circa 2012, celebrating all those homes and all your moolah!!

and all of his and “Bobby’s” successes, with da boss, in Paris, right around the corner from the Debunktion Junction offices, on the Rue des Beaux-Arts.

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Another conversation

Posted on November 7, 2012 by ZoeDKatzePhD

twixt the ‘prez, and I.

Just prior to thanking the nation for re-election, I recieved this e-mail, from my man “Barack,“ right here @ ‘da junction:

Rob –

I’m about to go speak to the crowd here in Chicago, but I wanted to thank you first.

(Of course you do, Barack).

I want you to know that this wasn’t fate, and it wasn’t an accident.

You made this happen.

You organized yourselves block by block.

You took ownership of this campaign five and ten dollars at a time. And when it wasn’t easy, you pressed forward.

And of course, the requisite:

Because we’ve saved your payment information, your donation will go through immediately:

QUICK DONATE: $6 // $35 // $50 // $100 // $250 // Or donate another amount.

My response:

(Barack, AGAIN, YOU CHAZAR!!)

But I Gotta admit, I’m kvelling”

The only thing that has me more stoked is managing that wicked sick, talented band, The Ferocious Few.

 

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Rich Mitchell

Posted on October 4, 2012 by ZoeDKatzePhD

Rich Mitchell is the self anointed “managing editor” of the Conservative Daily News,

Check out this dick

Check out this dick

and a conservative brain dead, ass clown.

While the Conservative Daily News has a storied history of launching the careers of irritating commentators, Mitchell is surely the upper echelon.

His achievements include appearing at 24,098,745 consecutive birther, tea party, and creationist rallies interrupting every single one with his lame CDN “issues,” while airing his dick opinion in his every column.

He is the most recognizable dick in conjunction with the CDN.

It is important to note that, in regards to politics, Mitchell has no actual governing experience, and has been able to designate himself an expert simply by saying so, loudly, many times, without anyone questioning it.

This is standard dick behavior.

Early life

While attending grade school, Mitchell decided to become the kind of dick that runs an obnoxious business after school. Thus, he founded Anomalous Media, a modestly named conservative “information company.”

While this business was less dickish than, say, stealing an idea for a future ulti-billion dollar corporation and claiming the idea was your own, it is still more obnoxious than selling “Major League Beer Pong” T-shirts to freshmen.

He is, in fact, known as the liberals’ “favorite conservative.”

This is because he speaks softly, is effeminate, and gently gratifies their self-loathing, masochistic wish to be insulted.

Mitchell is very interested in anthropology, psychology and sociology, and likes to apply the language and tools of these fields to his analysis of politics and pop culture. He wishes to be taken very seriously by scholars in these fields, and would be, if only he hadn’t been born extremely lazy.

Because of this condition, Mitchell is unable to do any of the actual analysis and research that would ordinarily give a person credibility in these fields.

Many have criticized the insular nature of academia.

They claim that those who, like Mitchell, were born lazy, or, to use the more politically correct term, “differently incentivized,” are discriminated against.

Mitchell has been able to surmount these obstacles with surprising success. At an early age, he resolved that he would overcome his disability through a combination of dishonesty and smiling.

This potent combination worked to a stunning degree, with Mitchell serving as a role model to those all over the world who happened to have also been born lazy and dishonest.

The Mitchell method is to take a banal, long-existing or only partially true observation, give it a cute name and take credit for it.

In other words, he’s a perfect op-ed columnist.

His obsessions include the differences between “red states” and “blue states,” America as a consumerist society, regional and intergenerational differences in America, and how an analysis, or, in Mitchell’s’ case, an “analysis,” of these always ultimately proves the essential truth of Republicanism as Mitchell’s chooses to define it that week.

Mitchell as Republican hack

It is very important to Mitchell that he be seen as different from those widely seen to be Republican party hacks who supported the Bush administration in almost anything they did, like Rush Limbaugh and Fox News.

And it is true that he is, in fact, very different than Limbaugh.

He is, for example, not as fat, smiles more, talks in a soothing voice, and isn’t known to be addicted to Oxycontin.

And his hackery is better written.

A powerful example of Mitchellsonian dick logic is the only slightly veiled tone of racism when he speaks of the President, likewise, if only Paris Hilton would wear underwear, people would stop the “slur” that Paris Hilton doesn’t wear underwear.

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Paul Ryan

Posted on October 2, 2012 by ZoeDKatzePhD

Paul Davis Ryan (born January 29, 1970) is a Congressman from the 1st District of the U.S. state of Wisconsin, the chairman of the House Budget Committee, the Republican nominee for Vice President for the 2012 election, and a dick.

Among his policy initiatives has been a shadow budget created as an alternative to the majority Democrats‘ budget proposal. This “Roadmap for America’s Future” was widely criticized, although his increasing visibility as a man of ideas in a party that has acquired a “Party of No” label has made him very prominent.

He has also been an outspoken opponent of the the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, suggesting that, “this thing is a fiscal Frankenstein, it’s a train wreck.”

Ryan is an advocate of bullshit economic woo he calls, “sound money.” (shhh, hear it speaking to me?)

While previously a hardcore Ayn Randoid who required his staffers to read Atlas Shrugged, he has since “rejected” the bullshit philosophy, stating it to be “an atheist philosophy,” preferring the worldview of Thomas Aquinas. His rejection of Rand, however, has not stopped him from pushing a congressional budget that favors the rich and needless over the poor and needful.

Ryan has stated that “there is growing disagreement among scientists about climate change and its causes” and has promoted a conspiracy theory about climate scientists.

He has also proven to be a massive hypocrite.

As Budget Chairman, Ryan annually devises harsh budgets in order to starve America’s

The boyish-looking Budget Chairman produces annual products regarded as monstrous.

The boyish-looking Budget Chairman produces annual products regarded as monstrous.

poor and needy. These documents go to the Senate, where they are rejected in favor of nothing, because the Senate doesn’t do budgets any more.

Childhood and education

Ryan earned a double major in Skullduggery and Screwing The Poor at Miami University, which is nowhere in Florida and played basketball with David Gregory, who went on to work for NBC.

This is supposed to be “irony.’

It also suggests that Ryan could some day take on President Obama on the hardwood, even though the latter is said to be a real negro.

Political Philosophy

In 2009, Ryan sealed his fate as a Washington pariah by declaring, “Thing about America is that it’s like we’re living in a Randian dystopia already.”

However, the President of the Ayn Rand Institute does not consider Ryan a 100% Randian, but a man with the flexibility to allow for a large dollop of pork-and-favors business-as-usual in government.

Thus Ryan was a key player in the 109th Congress, which parlayed President Bush‘s call to privatize Social Security into yet another program to bankrupt it faster to buy Warren Buffett free aspirins.

Most Republicans lost their political shirts in 2006, while Ryan bought a few new ones.

Paul Ryan's official Congressional portrait in 2010

Paul Ryan’s official Congressional portrait in 2010

With starch.

In August 2012, after Ryan was selected by Mitt Romney, the A.P. wrote that the Tea Party movement had opposed Romney but had gotten “one of its heroes” as the Vice-Presidential nominee. Of course, McCain picked Sarah Palin, and the latter is still trying to rub some of the resulting duct tape off her mouth.

2012 Presidential campaign

Under the quirky election law of West-consin (which, shockingly, was written by politicians), Ryan can run for Vice President without having to not run for his old seat in Congress, a rare case in Washington in which if one loses, one wins.

Indeed, Ryan will be on the 2012 West-consin ballot not only in these two places, but for six other minor offices as well. Ryan’s running mate, Mitt Romney, will not have to give up his Governorship to run for President, as he did that very thing six years ago, and his recently disclosed tax returns embarrassingly list his “occupation” as “Running for President.”

Indeed, Romney can only keep his steady job by losing the election.

Sarah Palin gave up her Governorship after losing the national election, in search of huge national television audiences, on which the joke is now on her.

Personal

This section left blank, purposely

See also

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Ilan Eliyahu

Posted on October 2, 2012 by ZoeDKatzePhD

Ilan Eliyahu is an Israeli-American teknishion, a webshite ”designer,” and a dick. (or, in

Ilan Eliyahu Gets Fucked By An Old Man

Ilan Eliyahu - Seen here taking it up the ass from  an old man, and smiling profusely about it!

Hebrew, zayin)

His father the plumber and mother are Israeli, making him another in a long line of Israeli-American Jewish dicks from Miami, (Jewisraeliamiamidick).

Eliyahu is best known for……well,……nothing.

Career

Eliyahu began his career by deciding to get the hell out of Israel after placing 7 millionth, out of a total population of 7.5 million, on the scholastic assesment test.

He then begged, stole and pillaged found his way to the United States, where he quickly settled into being somewhere around 310 millionth, on the same test.

Taking this performance into account, he decided the only thing for him to do, naturally, was become a certified Microsoft teknishon, entirely ignoring the fact that Apple owned the server, pc, tablet and cell phone markets.

Uniquely, while many Microsoft teknishon‘s become dicks because of their jobs, Eliyahu became a teknishon because he’s a dick.

Eliyahu’s resume also includes owning his own teknishon business, parlaying his brain dead knowledge into becoming a “peer” of Jonathan Globerson’s, making Jonathan chuck a spaz with envy.

Eliyahu burst all over the dick scene, when, as a young man barely old enough to buy Manischewitz for himself without having to convince someone to go into the store and get it for him, he decided the best way to make extra money was to steal customers from his employer, P.C. USA.

Soon thereafter he was caught by an orthodox jewish co-worker and former elected member of the Knesset, which is a lot like the U.S. House of Representatives, only with more yarmulkes and Fridays off….shame, shame, Ilan.

Personal Life

There is one?

Seriously?

Early years

Like a globule of schmaltz in a jar of matzoh ball soup, Ilan Eliyahu began working his slow, slimy way to the top from his birth and like every Israeli citizen—including women, openly gay men, and those guys with the big beards and black hats who are always mumbling and swaying and doing it through a hole in a sheet—Eliyahu served in the Israel Defense Forces. His service included a stint with the prestigious teknishion division, leading do his current dickhood.

Oh, and also

You can bet Eliyahut wears nut huggers to the beach.

Just look at that smug dick, 

Oh yea, and he NEVER pays retail.

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Dick

Posted on September 26, 2012 by ZoeDKatzePhD

“There should be a left leg and a right leg. And I’ll be in between”

~ James Hyman on his ambition of being a dick

“Am I supposed to paint the penis? Am I supposed to sculpt the penis? Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?”

~ Ilan Eliyahu on three of his four hobbies – painting, sculpting and musical conducting.

“Penis? I think I’ve got one here somewhere, what am I supposed to do with it when I find it?”

~ Rich Mitchell on his being a dick

A penis is something conservative’s need to grow in order to stand up for the truth.

A common variety of ground penis. Flaunt that shiznit, Zoe!

A common variety of ground penis. Flaunt that shiznit, Zoe!

The penii’s primary function is as an organ of a male human being, with the brain coming in a close second and the heart in a distant, disappointing third. Penii, come in many shapes and sizes, all of which are useless to a man unless they are one specific shape and size. A penis is also the external sexual organ of biologically male organisms, in both vertebrates and invertebrates.

Size

While humans proportionally have the largest penis of all mammals, size differs vastly between individuals. A person’s penis size is directly proportional to their political views, that is to say, conservatives on one end of the spectrum tend to have smaller and albeit crooked penises and liberals generally have larger more mighty pieces of man meat. A little know fact is that our own Zoe Katz has one of the largest erect penises at an astounding 2 yards long. It is widely believed that the root of the conservative agenda to end all sexual activity, besides that for procreation, stems from the conservative male’s puny phallus and the shame it brings them and their mate. The author of this paragraph also had a puny massive penis.

Many hours of careful, meticulous research of porn reveals that there is not a penis in existence under 6 inches. The size of the human penis depends much on the gender.

Females often have bigger penises than men, but this may be a trap.


Seriously

Conservatives beyond a shadow of a doubt absolutely don’t have smaller penes but

This is a golf trophy, get your mind outta the gutter

This is a golf trophy, get your mind outta the gutter

they’re inhibited so their partners get less pleasure when they use their’s.

Then too many Conservatives look at porn instead of making their partners happy.

The bible (Genesis) says that god removed Eve’s penis and used it to create Adam. She never forgave him, nor have her female descendants.

Lithuanians claim that the penis is named after Lithuanian President Sukis Penis, a depressed dude who invented the penis in 1832 as a form of population control. Prior to that, people reproduced asexually and were starting to exceed the available food supply. This occurred during the Industrial revolution, so the penis was soon mass-produced, and man grew so dependent on it that asexual reproduction all but ceased.

The foreskin

The foreskin is a piece of skin that makes the penis look like the tip of an elephant’s

Not too shabby, but Zoe's bigger

Not too shabby, but Zoe’s bigger

trunk. It gives off a pleasing aroma, and produces its own cheese, which is sold in stores as Ricotta.

The foreskin tastes much like chocolate chip cookies.

Reportedly.

Circumcision

Jews invented circumcision as a way of welcoming male babies into the world, by painfully removing the foreskin.

The claimed benefits of this are as follows:

  • It greatly pleases God, although why did he put it there in the first place?
  • It represents a covenant, and one that does not require lawyers.
  • It ensures that the person cannot masturbate without lubrication, which cannot legally be sold in Israel.
  • It increases the chance of finding lost items that might otherwise have hidden under the foreskin.

Consequently, Jews have no foreskin. They’re, like, naked down there.

Muslims circumcise female babies, and sometimes female adults. 

They’re copycats who don’t always get it right.

Size

Size doesn’t matter

A school of thought has emerged that a large penis is irrelevant in satisfying the woman. Oddly, it is often women espousing this principle, as opposed to men tooting their own horn, as it were. Regarding the personal life of those women, it is as when the chairman of certain  political party touts the unusual sex, skin color, or birthplace of his candidate. If he had anything relevant to say, he wouldn’t be talking about this. So women touting the irrelevance of penis size are conducting a lifelong awareness campaign to make themselves feel better about living with a two incher.

Anyway, the orthodoxy with these women is that the underendowed man can compensate  with body movements to increase the pleasure of the woman. The unstated secret is that these body movements are nowhere near the penis. They involve the fingers and the wallet.

A smaller minority of women assert that a penis size of zero inches is sufficient to please them. This is an ideology of convenience, as dismissiveness about the penis relieves them of the need to work to become attractive.

Conditions affecting the penis

A number of conditions affect the penis. This number is three. Two of these conditions are rare and minor:

  • In the Andes, people taller than 5’3″ all have a disease that extends their foreskin to three times the length of the penis. A side effect is a sudden craving for carrots.
  • Zombie Crotch Rot produces spontaneous circumcision and changes to the semen. In 1996, when Ecuadorean President Abdalá “El Loco” Bucaram accused his opponent of having “watery sperm,” he may have been doing him the favor of giving a free, precise medical diagnosis.

The third condition is big and is covered below:

Erections affect the penis

On rare but recurring occasions, (and for Zoe, every morning, and often at night) blood rushes into the penis, giving it a briefly impressive size. The blood has to come from somewhere–probably the brain, based on consistent reports on the poor quality of decision-making that occurs in the few minutes after the start of an erection.

The conditions under which a person has an erection can help categorize the person:

  • If this frequency of occurrence is proportional to the number of
    • hot chicks in the room then the patient is heterosexual or straight.
    • hot men in the room then the patient is homosexual or gay.
    • male children in the room then the patient is Michael Jackson. If this can’t be true, the person is a Catholic priest.

The anti-erection

Conversely, blood may drain from the penis and go back into the brain. The man temporarily acquires extreme intelligence. He might not be able to use this intelligence, however, because he may be so alarmed that his penis has shrunk and sometimes been sucked up into the abdominal cavity. At this point, he may be officially female, as he appears to have no penis and to suffer regular, non-lethal bleeding. However, continued clarity of thought would cast doubt on the classification.

Penises as weapons

In ancient Rome, humans used penis swords and were proud of their weapons and they

Highlighting the ridiculousness of religion, we chose to use a gun instead of a true image of a penis. Imagine a world without bullshit......

Highlighting the ridiculousness of religion, we chose to use a gun instead of a true image of a penis. Imagine a world without bullshit….

jousted, and stabbed the women repeatedly.

The oldest penises found belong to the Mesozoic era of around 60,000 BC.

No older penises have been fossilized.

However, your dads penis is probably fossilized due to long disuse.

Penis Construction

The construction of longer penises became possible in the late 3rd millennium BC in the Middle East, first in flesh, then in hard skin. Penises longer than 8 inches were usually classified as boners, though traditional boners had to satisfy stringent conditions. Boners longer than 25 inches were rare and not practical during the Gay Age, as at longer lengths, boners would bend easily. It was not until the development of stronger materials (such as rubber) and improved accuracy that boners became practical for use.

Modern development

The penis sword has evolved throughout the centuries, becoming a common household utensil throughout Europe. It was brought to the Americas in 1337 by Chris Columbus who reportedly said, “Bend down, ye savages, lest I give ye a hard dicking.”

The European penis sword effected the discipline to maintain slavery, with the European overlords holding out these erect, throbbing tools in a threatening way in response to any slave’s attempt to flee. Eventually, the oppressed peoples developed their own penis swords, and in some cases even wielded swords longer than 2 feet.

To this day, the penis sword is a source of competition, usually unsheathed in events known as “dick waving contests” like the war in Iraq.

San Francisco swordfights

The “SF swordfight” is a young man’s event, much as medieval knights used to joust for the populace on fair day. Despite occurring in a city where homosexuality is a sacrament of the local catholic diocese, swordfighters prove that it’s not gay for two men to play with each other’s penis if you are doing so as a demonstration of machismo.

A motto of San Francisco for half a century has been, “Better living through chemistry,” but recent developments in pharmacology have raised concerns that not all swordfights are straight. Contestants in city-sponsored swordfights are usually drug-tested before each bout to ensure that they are not using artificial enhancement to their swords. The fear is that young athletes would be tempted also to use “the juice” to gain an unnatural advantage, at a cost of their health in later life.

Penises in architecture

As Freud once noted, “sometimes a building is just a building, But the penis has been a recurring theme in the world’s architecture.

penis building II

Penis Building

Penis building

Penis Building II

 

Penises in the English language

As an exclamation

“Penis” can be used as a “sentence enhancer” to express any extreme. Some examples are: Wow! That head shot was penile! or looking down your pants and realizing you have nothing there (given that you used to be a man), exclaiming Holy Penis! I have no penis!!! Or the classic “This show would be so much better with penis + Anoos”

The language “Donglish” consists entirely of saying “penis”, and when translated to English, it is always “PENIS!” In some societies it is customary to ring a cowbell whenever someone speaks donglish.

Words for..eh…em…PENIS!

For an organ so seminal to human existence, humans have an inordinate difficulty talking about the penis, and have invented numerous euphemisms for it. These can be based on the organ’s form, function, or desired use.

  • Ankle-spanker
  • Ass Twig
  • Baton
  • Bazooka
  • the beast
  • Bird
  • Birdie
  • Butt-Plug
  • Cock
  • Cock-a-doodle-doo
  • Dick
  • Ding Dong
  • Drill Machine
  • Family jewels
  • Fountain of Youth
  • Gigglestick
  • Hanging Johnny
  • Heat-seeking moisture missile
  • Hot Dick-ity dog
  • Johnson
  • Knob
  • Legwarmer
  • Pecker
  • Skin Flute

Penis Jokes

Q: How do you know God was a civil engineer?
A: Because only a civil engineer would route a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area!

A fertile genitalia being linked to a fertile creative imagination, it is speculated that J. S. Bach had 23 children because his organ had no stops.

Religion is like a penis. It’s okay to have one. But, it’s not okay to show to children, and just because you have one doesn’t make you superior to those who don’t.

Other “definitions”

  1. A great big clitoris with a piss hole. Jesus had one, and may have used it, mind you.
  2. Something conservatives believe IS WRONG, wrong we tell you! What will the children think? What if you have a penis and you want to sell a house?! THINK OF THE HOUSE PRICES!

See also:

• James Hyman

• Rich Mitchell

• Robert “Bobby” Balogh

• Ilan Eliyahu

• Gilbert “Woody” Kahn

Penis Island has nothing whatsoever to do with this article

Penis Island has nothing whatsoever to do with this article

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Large Text

Posted on September 26, 2012 by ZoeDKatzePhD

is pretty self-explanatory.

It’s, well, Big Writing, often used in e-mails and forums and to denote anger.

A common use of LARGE TEXT is by students who don’t have much to write, therefore sizing the writing enormously in order to fool the blind and ill-humored idiot sitting in front of them into thinking they’ve done more work.

This however never prevails.

Creating Large Text

The easiest way to create large pointless and eye burning text is to simply use the <big> tags several times over.

In Microsoft’s word program a special button is used to change text size.

Alternatives to Large text

Small text is the obvious alternative to large text.

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Love Letter From Da’ Prez’

Posted on September 21, 2012 by ZoeDKatzePhD

Correspondence twixt the prez’ and I,

From: Barack Obama <info@barackobama.com>

Reply-To: <info@barackobama.com>

Date: Thursday, September 20, 2012 2:09 PM

To: Rob Halprin <hq@vrpmusic.com>

Subject: Dinner? (again?)

Rob –As we’re organizing this dinner (again?) with supporters on my last campaign, our kind of politics is running up against a very cynical calculation: That a few billionaires writing $10 million checks are enough to overpower the voices of millions of Americans. That’s why I want to meet you for dinner. (again?)Donate whatever you can (again?) to our people-powered campaign, and be automatically entered to join me — hotel and airfare covered for you and a guest.

Because you’ve saved your payment information, (again?) your donation will go through immediately (again!…I won’t bother you with “Barack’s” pitch to me for yet more of my moolah….)…and he signs off…..

Thanks,Barack

My reply:

Prez – 

Dude, we’ve won….move on….no need to schmeichel…..lets’ get on with the work of the country….

 

 

Then there was this one from, “Michelle:”

From: Michelle Obama <info@barackobama.com>

Reply-To: <info@barackobama.com>

Date: Thursday, August 16, 2012 12:53 PM

To: Rob Halprin <hq@vrpmusic.com>

Subject: Rob: Be my guest for the convention

Rob –Four years ago, Barack stood on a stage at the Democratic National Convention in Denver. He accepted our party’s nomination, and then told our country what he intended to do as President.Let’s think for a second about what’s happened since then. Our businesses have added 4.5 million jobs in the last 29 months. The typical middle-class family has saved $3,600 in tax cuts over his first term. We passed historic health care reform. The war in Iraq has ended. It’s now easier for women to fight for equal pay for equal work. And gay and lesbian service members can no longer be denied a place in our nation’s military because of who they are or who they love.”Michelle” then continues the insipid appeal for more of my hard earned,…moolah… to “help build this campaign” yada yada yada — and be entered to be our “personal guest” (again!) in Charlotte.

Because you’ve saved your payment information (again…), your donation will go through immediately (again..):My response:

Michelle  – 35 years ago I told a young, innocent reporter named Randi Rhodes working in local Florida radio at the time that the US Government should legalize marijuana. It would remove the criminal element created by ridiculous profit motives on a crop that could be grown, taxed, and utilized.

5 years ago I told my niece and goddaughter how closing the postal service or at the very least deep cuts to the postal  budget and moving towards a paperless society were the ONLY fiscally and environmentally sound policies as well as being the only responsible position on this issue.

Let’s think for a second about what’s happened since then….

Hmmmnnn,…. The government is broken and literally, almost, broke, overwrought and mired in bureaucracy, neither side with the strength of character to step up to the plate on the issues without resounding to the pettiness of politics. 

Consider my suggestions from 1977 and 07′, stop the Sunday school environmentalism, and greenwashing, do something about the real problems, and I’ll continue to support “Barack.”

If not, I’m considering, considering moving to another country altogether, I’ve always loved my little pied-à-terre in France.

Oh, and next time you call me “Rob” don’t you think we should be introduced, first?

You tell me, whose sig looks more profesional?, jus sayin’….
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