Bill O’Reilly

Bill O’Reilly:

Bill “Fuck It, We’ll Do It Live!” O’Reilly ((born September 10, 1949, also known as “Billo”, “Bill O’Really?”, “Billo the Clown”, “Papa Bear”, and “The Frank Burns of News”) is a moderately right-wing (relative to Rush Limbaugh) total jackass blatherercommentator on Fox News where he presents The O’Reilly Factor. He is known to be a fan of Middle Eastern food, particularly falafel (perhaps because of the word’s passing resemblance and alliterative relationship to a sex act). He is also notoriously bad at phone sex – more on that later.

He also leads (from the rear) his legions into battle every December against the vile secular progressives (despite his own sabotage to the cause), in the name of traditionally (by his definition of the term, anyway).

“If your an act, than what am I?”  –Stephen Colbert to his guest O’Reilly on The Colbert Report

Somebody’s gotta say it, that man is Ted Baxter —  Rush Limbaugh describing O’Reilly (a/k/a the pot calling the kettle black) 

“Ultimately, O’Reilly found his true home at Fox News, where he has used his own show The O’Reilly Factor to take down worthy targets ranging from  the widows of 9/11 victims to the children of 9/11 victims. O’Reilly has successfully branded The O’Reilly Factor with the slogan “The No Spin Zone,” which is sort of akin to branding Tehran “America’s #1 Spring Break Hotspot.””

O’Reilly has shown interest in the traditional dick hobby of sexually harassing female subordinates. According to a complaint leveled by Andrea Mackris, a former producer, O’Reilly subjected her to a series of his carnal fantasies, including one involving Mackris’ “spectacular boobs” and the sexual use of a loofah, which O’Reilly later, inexplicably referred to as “falafel.” While O’Reilly is apparently in favor of using falafel as a sexual stimulant, he is much less in favor of the food’s area of origin, having referred to the Iraqi people as a “prehistoric group.” In the same broadcast, O’Reilly further cemented his reputation for fostering productive relationships, noting that, when it comes to U.S. intervention in the Muslim world, “What we can do is bomb the living daylights out of them….no more group troops, no more hearts and minds. Ain’t going to work.”

In a display of conservative values, in 2006 Bill O Reilly claimed that according to the “Paris Business Review,” France lost “billions of dollars” due to a boycott (he sees himself as the cause of).

Unfortunately this suffers from the slight problem that no such publication exists and was completely made up. Furthermore, if someone had actually looked over the trade data from that period, the US French imports had actually increased.

Keith Olbermann called out Billo — who, for the second time within eight months falsely claimed that 84 U.S. Army soldiers massacred German soldiers at Malmédy. Of course, it was the other way around. O’Reilly did this in opposition to the photos that came out of the Abu Ghraib prison. He claimed that the U.S. military has always committed atrocities in wartime, therefore the photos were not really news. (The transcript on the Fox News website was later altered, replacing the word “Malmédy” with “Normandy.”)

After actress Jessica Alba called O’Reilly “kind of an a-hole” on camera, a Fox News reporter tracked Alba down at a later event. For reasons known only to Alba, she told the reporter to “be neutral…be ”Sweden,about it.” O’Reilly then called Alba a “pinhead,” claiming that she didn’t know that it was Switzerland, not Sweden that was neutral in World War II. Of course, both nations were neutral in World War II. (Psst! Bill! Both were neutral in World War I too.)

Andrea Makris

In October 2004, he was sued by a former Factor producer for sexual harassment. He is reported to have suggested that he phoned her and advised her to use  a vibrator. The multi-million dollar suit was settled out of court. The terms are, of course, confidential, but it is believed that O’Reilly paid multi-millions of dollars to her as “hush” money.

Those Who Trespass

In 1998, O’Reilly published his homicidal fantasies wrote a crime novel, Those Who Trespass, about Shannon Michaels, an Irish-American TV journalist who seeks revenge for the loss of his job at Global News Network by systematically murdering everyone he holds responsible. The hitlist of this roman à clef includes a woman named Hillary and a portly gentleman named Martin Moore.

Want a better idea of what a lewd phone call from Bill O’Reilly would sound like? Listen to these excerpts from the audiobook