Michele Bachmann

Michele Marie Bachmann (née Amble, born April 6, 1956)

is a former Senator, a homophobe, a  psychotic Republican Congresswoman from Minnesota’s 6th Congressional District who enjoyed a brief tenure as the religious right’s pin-up girl following the implosions of Sarah Palin and Christine O’Donnell.

Bachmann’s track record has proven she is also a full-fledged nutjob. The type of person that makes you turn to your friend the moment she gets up to use the bathroom and mouth “She’s craaaaaaazy,” complete with hand motions and bug-eyes.

Like her pal Palin, Bachmann is deceptively attractive. While Palin is attractive in a “if she just put down that gun, took off those glasses, and started forming complete sentences” sort of way, Bachmann has the whole girl next door thing working for her. But only if you grew up next to an insane asylum.

Former VP and war criminal, Cheney congratulates Congressman Bachmann on her failed 2012 presidential run while Bachmann herself crazily fixates on a bouncing potato.

In her short political career, Bachmann has established herself as a unique brand in American politics, mostly due to her scary ability to immediately occupy an utterly extremist position on any given issue.

Religion

Bachmann is a dyed-in-the-wool fundamentalist who frequently claims that she’s acting on direct orders from god himself. She got her law degree from a tiny Christian university that specializes in teaching “the law from a biblical worldview” and would like its students to become “change agents” for bringing the law in line with Christian morality.

She worked as a research assistant for not dominioist John Eidsmoe and helped him produce a book that argued for turning the United States into a theocracy.

Early career

In 1993, Bachmann helped open the New Heights Charter School in Stillwater, Minnesota. The school offered a standard curriculum. You know, classes like biology, algebra, and creationism. Bachmann and the board of directors advocated that the “12 Christian Principles” be taught. These are very similar to the commonly taught Bill of Rights, with the exception of the fact that teaching them violates the First Amendment. Bachmann and other school officials also refused to allow an in-school screening of “Aladdin,” feeling that it endorsed witchcraft and promoted paganism.

Bachmann appeared before the Stillwater School Board to address the parents’ concerns.

Standing by her beliefs, she challenged them, asking, “Are you going to question my integrity?”

They did.

By the end of the meeting, Bachmann resigned.

At the time, this seemed like a triumphant victory for all logical people.

However, her resignation afforded her the time to watch “Aladdin” and study its black-magic teachings, skills she would later use when conducting her own witch-hunt of Congress.

Opposition to gay rights

Bachmann seems to believe in a homosexual agenda to target and encourage young children to be gay, and thinks the Lion King is part of that conspiracy.

She thinks her lesbian step-sister’s lifestyle is part of Satan.

Fighting same sex-marriage has been her top legislative priority, both in the Minnesota State Senate and the House of Representatives.

She does all that on the very best authority because God told her personally that he does not like gays.

In 2003, Bachmann began her yearly assault on gay rights, proposing a constitutional amendment that would ban same-sex marriage.

In 2004, Bachmann and a coalition of religious leaders announced plans for what was billed as a “Minnesota for Marriage” rally.

Thousands of people attended, holding signs that read, “Gays Should Not Be Married, Dontchya Know.”

Shocked that her views were not universal, Bachmann felt the need to investigate her opposition. At a 2005 protest of her proposed constitutional ban of same-sex marriage, Bachmann and her cronies were actually seen hiding in the bushes, spying on the rally. When reached for comment regarding the incident, Bachmann complained that her feet were sore, saying, “I had high heels on and I just couldn’t stand anymore. I was not in the bushes.” The last part is true, as she was hiding behind the bushes. Getting in them would just be insane. Bachmann later acknowledged that she was spying on the rally, but only because she heard a “dirty rumor that they may screen ‘Aladdin,’ and ‘Aladdin’ can’t get any gayer.”

Bachmann has been on record saying that homosexuals specifically target children and that “our children…are the prize for this community.” This knowledge was accrued when Bachmann hid in the bushes during an annual Pedophiles and Homosexuals Mixer where they laid out their plan to join forces and bring down society, specifically to spite Michele Bachmann.

During a 2005 community meeting in Scandia, Minnesota, Bachmann was seen running out of a public bathroom crying, “I was being held against my will.”

In a report filed with the country sheriff, Bachmann claimed that two women “believed to be part of a LGBT group” detained her in the bathroom. She apparently was terrified and feared for her life.

The women in question claimed they were simply making conversation with their local senator while waiting in line. The case was dismissed.

Oh, irony!

Michelle Bachmann’s stepsister is a lesbian.

Historical scholarship

Bachmann is often known for putting a new spin on historical events:

• Regarding the Founding Fathers and the United States Constitution, “We also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.”
• When called out on it, rather than admit her mistake, she doubled down by stating that John Q. Adams was a founding father and “fought tirelessly to end slavery” during the Revolutionary War era, despite the fact that he was 9 at the time of America’s founding. While John Q. Adams did eventually emerge as a major figure in the abolitionist movement, that did not happen before the 1820s.
• Calvin Coolidge got us out of a depression while FDR started the Great Depression by passing the “Hoot-Smalley” tariff.
• The American Revolution started in New Hampshire, not Massachusetts. Silly historians.
• The Soviet Union still exists.

Everything else

Bachmann first rose to nationwide prominence in the run-up to the 2008 election, when she called on the media to take up Joe McCarthy’s work of investigating “anti-American” leanings among candidates. She has also announced that she refuses to fill out 2010 census forms for her family, and has encouraged her supporters to likewise refuse, too.

The fact that this might result in Minnesota being undercounted and thus maybe losing a seat or two in Congress has not occurred to her, but has occurred to some others in the GOP.

Her “reasoning” is that the Census will be used to set up the FEMA concentration camps     everyone knows are coming in 2011. All of this despite the fact that a Census is specifically called for in the sacred text…err, the other sacred text. In Minnesota, she prevented preschool education despite scientific evidence that it works; apparently, teaching children the Bible and Christian values is more important than getting them a start in life that reduces crime and drug abuse, improves overall educational achievement and earnings.

She’s batshit craaaazy!!

If you give Michele Bachmann a microphone, there’s a pretty solid chance she’ll say something stupid. The kinds of statements that leave you speechless – not because you don’t know how to respond, but because there is no applicable response to gibberish.

Here’s a sampling of her work:

“Not all cultures are equal.”

“We’re running out of rich people in this country.”

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”

“Little children will be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal and natural and perhaps they should try it.”

More Batshit crazy quotes

• “This [health care reform] cannot pass…What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass.”
• “The big thing we are working on now is the global warming hoax. It’s all voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax”
• “What I would say — what I would say is that the news media should do a penetrating expose and take a look. I wish they would. I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out, are they pro-America or anti-America? I think people would love to see an expose like that.”
• “This [taxation] is slavery, it’s nothing more than slavery. The Constitution provides freedom.”
• “Last Friday a couple from Hawaii decided the time was so short they needed to get on a plane, come to Washington, to beg their representative to vote no — from Hawaii. What sacrifices freedom-loving Americans are making to get their government’s attention. And how big our government has gotten. They brought me this beautiful, precious lei and I’m reminded that the one who created this lei also created our freedom. “
• “We’re $14 trillion in debt, but that doesn’t include the unfunded massive liabilities. That’s $107 trillion, and that’s for Social Security and Medicare and all the rest. You add up all those unfunded net liabilities, and all the traps that could go wrong we’re on the hook for, and what it means is what we have to do is a reorganization of all of that, Social Security and all….But basically what we have to do is wean everybody else off. And wean everybody off because we have to take those unfunded net liabilities off our bank sheet, we can’t do it. So we just have to be straight with people. So basically, whoever our nominee is, is going to have to have a Glenn Beck chalkboard and explain to everybody this is the way it is.”
• “But parents are going to excluded from Planned Parenthood as they write these clinics because the bill orders that these clinics protect patient privacy and student records. What does that mean? It means that parents will never know what kind of counsel and treatment that their children are receiving. And as a matter of fact, the bill goes on to say what’s going to go on — comprehensive primary health services, physicals, treatment of minor acute medical conditions, referrals to follow-up for specialty care — is that abortion? Does that mean that someone’s 13 year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus that night? Mom and dad are never the wiser.”
• Response to President Obama’s 2011 State of the Union address: “The perilous battle that was fought during World War II in the Pacific at Iwo Jima was a battle against all odds, and yet this picture [the iconic flag-raising] immortalizes the victory of young GIs over the incursion against the Japanese.”^[
• "I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?'
• "I haven’t had a gaffe or something that I’ve done that has caused me to fall in the polls."
• "I think what you’re advocating for is censorship on the part of government. So the government would prohibit intelligent design from even the possibility of being taught in questioning the issue of evolution. And if you look at scientists there is not a unanimity of agreement on the origins of life. … Why would we forstall any particular theory? Because I don’t think that even evolutionists, by and large, would say that this is proven fact. They say that this is a theory, as well as intelligent design. So I think the best thing to do is to let all scientific facts on the table, and let students decide.^[35]

Still hungry for more? Check out ThinkProgress’ list of the ten nuttiest things she’s ever said.

Possibly Worse More Dangerous than Batshit Craaazy

• “Carbon Dioxide” is natural, it is not harmful, it is a part of Earth’s lifecycle. And yet we’re being told that we have to reduce this natural substance, reduce the American standard of living, to create an arbitrary reduction in something that is naturally occurring in Earth.”
• “We have to recognize that 15 of the sites, nuclear sites, are available or are potentially penetrable by jihadists. Six attempts have already been made on nuclear sites. This is more than an existential threat…At this point, I would continue that aid. Pakistan is a nation that it’s kind of like, too nuclear to fail.”